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Life

Life-learned lessons, relationships, marriage, faith, lifestyle, and everything else in between.

The Myth of Being The Reacher and The Settler

Debora Manusama-Sinaga

Like many other unique terms and catchphrases that I know today, I first heard about the term the 'Reacher' and the 'Settler' on the hit CBS TV Show, How I Met Your Mother, particularly on the 13th episode of its 5th season, titled 'Jenkins'. In this episode, Marshall (the guy on the right) argues with his wife Lily about who's the Reacher and who's the Settler in the relationship. The argument emerges when Marshall tells Lily that he thinks his co-worker, Jenkins (the woman on the left) has a crush on him. However, this piece of information does not bother Lily at all, and Marshall is confused, why isn't Lily jealous? Then his friend Ted tells him that Lily does not feel threatened because she is the Settler in the relationship. She is the one settling (for less) whereas Marshall is the one who is lucky enough to get with someone who is out of his league, a,k.a the Reacher.

courtesy of tvequals.com 

When I watched this episode years ago, I thought  that I will end up being the Reacher in my future relationship one day, because if I was settling with someone 'lower' or 'crazier' than me, I'd probably be living in the projects with a drug-dealing upcoming DJ or something. So "I must find someone 'better than me'", I thought.

In 2011, I met Mr. Man (well, I've known him since high school, but you know, we reunited in New York 4 years ago). This really decent guy who doesn't have a messy past like I do, who is good at managing his money, smart, kind-hearted, drug-free, and just loving. I immediately thought that I was going to be the Reacher in the relationship.

Sadly, I still did until last Thursday.

Why did I say 'sadly'? Because thinking that you are the Reacher in the relationship is not healthy. You will always see yourself 'lower' than you were supposed to, and that will affect the way you treat and even love your spouse/partner.

The truth is, you are both blessed to find each other and to be united as one in God. In fact, if you're a believer, you'd know that it's a part of God's plan for you to be man and wife, so why think of yourself less than that?

If you read my last post, the Good the Bad The Ugly, I admitted that I have been struggling with the thoughts of my past that sometimes pop up in my head and try to tell me that I am something I'm not. Well all of that, are also part of me thinking that I am the Reacher in my relationship with Mr. Man. I'd beat myself up everytime I do something wrong. And that's just not healthy.

Thankfully, we talked it over last Thursday, and Mr. Man told me that he never felt like he was the Settler. in fact, he feels just as blessed to be in this relationship. He sees me as a gift too! And not as someone 'crazy' he has to put up with.

As you might guess, I cried in gratitude to those statements. I mean, dude, I got a good man right here.

And apparently, he's got himself a good woman as well ;) #haaayyy #loveisintheair #always